Having read 'Drink' by Ann Dowsett Johnston, I Have Realised So Many Things. I am 47 years old. I am making efforts to take on my normal jaunty, radiant face for the world but inside I am a complete jumble.
Although I have realised for some time that I have issues with alcohol, this book helped me to deal with them. but strangely got me relieved to know I am not alone. I found myself troubled coping with many issues in my life'. I tend to seek comfort by abusing a usage of alcohol, thus you can assume that my alcoholic addiction didn't caused by genetics or lack of self control, it was caused by myself consciously. Growing up was intense - my dad was a serial con artist, my mom had no self regard and overweight, disliked me was left to fight for myself more often than not. Inwardly, I was totally free.
Strangely, I took no alcohol in high school. However, I went to university at a reputable institution which takes pride in its academic excellence....while students prided themselves on their ability to party. At that moment my journey of experiencing a free youth's world began, I often behave inappropriately - I tend to got hangovers because too much drinking last night, I tend passed out, and occasionally having inappropriate sexual activities.
With a feeling of being obese the only way I knew I could engage in anything sexual with boys under the influence of alcohol was to loosen up by taking alcohol.
On one particular occasion, I found myself in bed with a random guy naked, and this happened when I was in Canada; Many times I ponder over this incident thinking how astonishing it is that I never got pregnant, injured or infected with any sexually transmitted diseases or worse still dead.
With time, I earned a degree and even went further while my love life wasn't left behind. We saw each other often and during such occasions wine was always present while I also got myself a bottle every week.
Time flew, and so did my life; I got married, had two kids and during the months preceding their birth I avoided alcohol. Life progressed, I found myself getting older day by day, the nice guy turned into workaholic husband with anger issues, one of my child turned out got ADHD, I was really stressed out at that time'. I would drank almost everyday, usually on Thursday-Sunday.
We got too much cases of wine on our home because my husband got hooked on a local "brew-your-own"'. Often we drank a bottle or two wine at evening, it was our nightly ritual'. I secretly mixed my own cocktails and hide the glass in my baking cupboard so my husband won't find it
When I got home - I can only think about enjoying that drink'. Trying to mix it, keep refiling it until I fall asleep or pass out until morning, honestly I can't focus on handling household mess, I tried so hard to get my ADHD boy focus on homework, prying the other one off of his iPod. On waking up, I check my phone to see whom I chatted when under the influence of alcohol.
Be that as it may, there is more - two years prior I got to be distinctly required in an extremely serious enthusiastic issue with one of my child's companion's fathers. The affair never proceeded to sexual interaction (except for a few hugs and standing beside each other at sporting events) but if any of you have learnt about (or undergone) an emotional affair, the effect can be just as dramatic and powerful, if not more so than a sexual relationship. I was on seventh heaven - all the time my phone showed a message'.oh the rush of feelings. Usually we exchanged texts late into night, at times in the middle of the night, while we were at duty.
I was more jovial than I had ever been. The relationship was becoming dangerously close to crossing the sexual line and he pulled back. I have been crushed and lamenting this loss....and the drinking expanded.
My alcoholic beverage comforted me they alleviated the pain.
I feel so ashamed as I remember my past. Series of my drunken journey:
This is my recovery... having my self in counselling, reading Ann's book, discovering this website, find out people with similar stories and read theirs. Frankly, I perceive my redemption is near.